


Anger

by M_Inez



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anger, Angst, M/M, Mage Inquisitor (Dragon Age), POV Dorian Pavus, Solas is Fen'Harel (Dragon Age), Solas is like familly to Lavellan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:28:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23436199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_Inez/pseuds/M_Inez
Summary: How Lavellan felt after the events in Trespasser.Lavellan is very conflicted and angry with Solas and Dorian just wishes he could help.
Relationships: Lavellan & Solas, Lavellan/Dorian Pavus, Male Inquisitor & Solas, Male Inquisitor/Dorian Pavus, Male Lavellan/Dorian Pavus
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

His jaw was clenched, icy blue eyes intensive as he stared the wolf statue, breath was irregular, his hand closed into a fist for a moment, before he forced it to stay oddly open. Dorian knew he was hurt, but he'd never seen Eshne so angry in his life. The elf touched what was left of his arm, not caring about the blood and the pain. Solas had healed it a bit, supposedly so Lavellan could get aid without losing too much blood, but it wasn't perfect.

Dorian could see he was slightly shaking, head down and messy red hair, he had mess with it along the way, as he always did when the voices of the Well troubled him too much. He could not imagine what was going through the Dalish's mind, and what were the voices saying. But whatever it was, it kept Lavellan deep in thought, most likely not pleasant ones.

He hated to see his lover suffer, especially when he couldn't do a thing. Dorian wanted to crush Solas, break him as he had done to Eshne's heart. However, he could not. He was powerless.

"Inquisitor... We should- We should continue." The mage from Tevinter said softly, his hand finding the elf's shoulder, who flinched to the touch, surprised, not having notice Dorian approaching, even forgetting he was there, to begin with.

Lavellan's mouth opened, but said nothing. He quickly bit his lip, as if he was trying to hold himself together and any attempt to speak would break the dam he so desperately had built.

He had focused on walking, one step after the other, to keep his head busy, as he had insisted he could walk, using his staff to support himself. No one dared to oppose, but Dorian, Cassandra and Cole were watching his every step, concerned and ready to catch him at any time, in case he fell.

After the silent and terrible journey back to Halamshiral, Dorian had decided that he would stay with the Herald, just a bit longer. Tevinter could wait. Esh had always been there to him, how could he leave now? Dorian has lost his father, yes, but his Amatus was deceived and had his arm cut off by the closest thing he had to one.

Dorian watched as Eshne had put on a confident smile to speak to the Council, as he agreed to have the Inquisition under the Divine's wing. He trusted Cassandra. Enough to give her that kind of power. To give her his leash. And for a time he seemed OK. Sad, with fake smiles and lost in thought, but not angry, not as broken as he seemed to be after meeting Solas.

When they decided to return to Heaven, Dorian had gone along. Still worried, still wanting to hold his Amatus tight. The path was far from pleasant. As much as the view on the road was as beautiful as always, Eshne was too quiet. As soon as the nobles stayed behind, so did his façade. And while they passed through the woods, every Fen'harel's statue seemed to be like a stab to his heart. A reminder of the betrayal. His face has red and his every muscle was tense when Leliana suggested they should stop and rest. As soon as he dismounted, he left his mount with Cullen and went on a walk. Dorian was quick to follow, letting his mount with a very confused commander.

"Eshne!" He couldn't see where the had gone, but he would not give up easily. "Eshne!"

Dorian went further and further away from camp, until he heard a raised voice.

"Ma melava halani!" He could not understand, but he recognised the elf's voice. Screaming in the middle of nowhere. Most likely in elvish.

"Ir mala falon la ma _harel_ lasa!" Now he could pick the _falon_ part, friend. And was closer to find Lavellan.

"Ma harel lasa, _hahren_!" He knew that hahren was the way Eshne called Solas. He didn't need to understand elvish to know what that was all about. He knew. Dorian heard "Ma harel lasa" a few more times, before finally finding his lover, screaming to a wolf statue, Fen'harel, _Solas_.

" _Amatus_..."

"La sahlin... Mir suledin nadas..." He was not screaming, not anymore, Lavellan's voice was but a whisper now. Words fighting to leave his throat, which _burned_ as he held back tears. Tears that never came, he wouldn't allow it.

The Inquisitor collapsed, falling to his knees, and Dorian immediately run for the Dalish. The human held him, his chest tight, he'd never seen the elf like that. And that scared him.

"Amatus... I'm..." He did not know what to do, nor what to say. He knew how close the two elves were. "I'm _sorry_ , Amatus..."

"What do I do, Vhenan?" Eshne's voice was cracking and sounded weak, his eyes were red, but they were dry. Like he was crying without tears. "No matter how _angry_ and _betrayed_ I feel, I can not _kill_ him!"

"I wish I had an easy answer, Amatus, I _really_ did..." He could only hold him, there was truly nothing else he could do. Dorian looked to Solas statue in _hate_ , he could see marks of fire and maybe lightning on it, as well as all around.

"I _trusted_ him..." The elf said in despair. "I _learned_ from him. I treated him like _family_. I respected him... Was it all a fucking lie?" There was a dangerous fire in his voice, but only sadness in his eyes. "It can't be like that..."

Dorian could only tighten the embrace in the hope of it protecting his Amatus from the world. "I know, dear, I know... It will pass." He ensured him. "And when it does, you'll think more clearly. We'll find a way."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Solas: Pride  
> Da'len: Child  
> Hahren: Elder  
> Lethallin: Word for someone, a male, with whom one is familiar

Eshne could feel his jaw ache and his eyes burn as he stared Solas, of at least his statue. The stone wolf laid there as if it didn't have a care in the world. He wanted to feel sad, to mourn the person he knew and what he had become, but his blood burned in his veins as if his anger had set it on fire.

He could remember Solas every move. 'I suspect you have questions' he said. And Lavellan did. So many questions. He had asked every single one, and Solas had answered, as calm as always. And then The Anchor manifested itself once more, making him bend in pain.

'Is it getting worse?' But Solas didn't expect an answer, he knew it. 'I'm sorry lethallin. I hoped it would take a longer time, though I was unfortunately certain it would kill you if nothing was made.'

Esh could feel the sorrow in his voice as he cried out in pain. Green energy stabbing into his arm. 

'Drawing you here gave me the chance to save you... At least for now.' He wished he had not felt sadness in those words. Yet, he did. 

'Hahren, that's _genocide!_ You're better than this. I would help you find a _better_ way!' Eshne had pledged, begged. He couldn't handle it, facing down Solas. He couldn't. Solas wasn't bad, he would see reason. He had to.

'There is no such thing... I'm _sorry_. Now take my hand.' And Lavellan obeyed. He held Fen'harel's hand, not even thinking about it. Just trusting. And then there was magic, his arm stopped hurting so much.

'I won't give up on you, I prove to you, there's no need to destroy this world!'

'I would treasure the chance to be wrong once again, Da'len...' There it was again, the sadness, the sorrow. It made Eshne angry and utterly sad at the same time. 

'Solas...' He pleaded one more time, hoping.

'I hope you survive what's to come, Da'len. I hope to see you in a _different_ world...'

'Solas!' The elf yelled as the other made his way to the Eluvian. 'Solas!' He tried once again, still being ignored. His heart aching with every step Solas gave.

' _Babae_!' He then screamed, out of despair, not really intending to say that word. However, it made Solas stop. Look back at him, in shock. There was an expression in his face Lavellan couldn't quite read. 'Ha- Hahren...' He tried to amend, his voice almost failing him. 'I will do everything in my power to make you see reason! I won't give up so easily!'

Then Solas looked sad, before finally leaving. Lavellan had found his way back to his party. One arm missing. He had explained himself before the sorrow came. 

Now he was angry. And he didn't know why. Was it at Solas? For wanting to bring down The Veil and destroy the world, for giving The Orb to Corypheus? Or was it at himself? For calling the man babae of all things. He surely has seen Solas as a friend, as family, he trusted or used to trust, him with absolutely everything. But what about now? He would have to stop Solas. No... Fen'harel. Though his mind said they were one and the same, his heart could find the strength to agree. 

And the voices... They were rushing in his mind, screaming and begging for attention, as if trying to give him life-saving advice. And perhaps they were. Right now they were violent as the water from a waterfall falling in his head with all its strength. He could only understand a few words. Fen'harel, Evanuris, din'an... Babae. The Dread Wolf, the false gods he had once prayed for, death... And father. 

Sure, Solas was like a father to him. Yet, actually calling him that... And doing so as he planned to destroy the world. Something he only hoped it wouldn't destroy Eshne himself. He had to be an idiot. 

Deep in thought, he didn't even notice Dorian, who startled him, approaching. Only when the human touched his shoulder. 

"Inquisitor... We should- We should continue." His voice was soft, kind, but filled with worry. Something he could see in the eyes of Cassandra and Cole as well. Cole most likely felt his pain, his confusion. Poor one, Esh thought. 

He wanted to say something, reassure his friends and lover. Say anything. However, the words got caught up in his throat. He felt himself falling apart, he wasn't strong enough to lie. He felt like the most delicate crystal, as he could just shatter at any time. And he still had the Council to deal with. Decide the fate of the Inquisition. 

He had done his duty, he wanted to go back to his clan, be Keeper one day. Change the Dalish. Among other things, he had learned the vallaslin were nothing but slave marks. His people deserved that truth. The Inquisition had to end before his legacy was just as corrupt as the Templars and the Wardens. Yet... There was Fen'harel. He could not let him destroy everything. What about his clan? And Dorian? His friends? What about Solas? He couldn't. He had to buy the Inquisition a bit more time, just so he could end this. 

He manages to bottle up his emotions, make his decision and deal with the humans. Then they parted to Heaven. He, Leliana, Cullen, Cassandra, or, better saying, Divine Victoria, and Dorian. Dorian who had lost a father and been called back to Tevinter. He knew he was keeping him, by letting him worried. And he hated himself for it. 

The road was not kind. Every statue of Fen'harel along the way made him feel worst. Lavellan couldn't understand still why, but his blood boiled. The voices didn't help at all. Sometimes he wished he had let the _human_ , Morrigan, take the Well in his place. Yet his _pride_ would not aloud a shemlen to have that knowledge. Other times, he pleads for the Well to give him a better plan for Solas, one that would not end up in genocide. But no answer was given. 

When they camped near Emprise du Lion, in the woods, he practically runs away. Left his hart with Cullen, who gladly asked no questions. 

He ends up in front of a wolf statue, after walking for a long time. And the dam broke. 

Eshne let his feelings come to the surface and he just screamed. Pure anger, until his throat felt raw. Then he wanted to yell. As if Solas could listen through the statue. He felt betrayed. More than he should. Maybe more than he was entitled to. 

"Ma melava halani!" He screamed at the stone wolf. You helped me. For Solas had trained him, had _saved_ him, had _protected_ him, had _cared_ for him. It felt real. Was it a lie? The trickery of Fen'harel, as he heard in tales?

"Ir mala falon la ma _harel_ lasa!" I'm your friend and you lied to me, he screamed. And this time, lightning formed around him, hitting the statue without his permission. It was more than friendship. Of course it was. He had called Solas father... Father. For the second time, a father had abandoned him. And it hurt. "Ma harel lasa, _hahren_! Ma harel lasa... Ma harel lasa..."

He heard his name "Eshne" and then "Amatus", but couldn't pay it attention.

"La sahlin... Mir suledin nadas" And now... My suffering is inevitable. One could translate as 'I must endure', but it was not like he felt. Suledin... Finding strength in pain, in sorrow and suffering. Perhaps it was what he should do. 

"Amatus... I'm..." Dorian's voice said. He could feel himself being embraced by the man. It gave him a bit of comfort, after all. "I'm _sorry_ , Amatus..."

"What do I do, Vhenan?" Eshne almost hadn't managed to speak. His throat ached, feeling dry and raw. A not was also forming, burning it, as he tried not to cry. He knew he had to stop Solas, but how? "No matter how _angry_ and _betrayed_ I feel, I can not _kill_ him!" 

"I wish I had an easy answer, Amatus, I _really_ did..." 

"I _trusted_ him..." He said in despair. "I _learned_ from him. I treated him like _family_. I respected him... Was it all a fucking lie?" He felt it wasn't. He didn't want it to be. He was _angry_ , filled with _hate_ , but he couldn't hate _Solas_. And he was beginning to realise why. "It can't be like that..."

"I know, dear, I know..." He didn't, though. "It will pass." He ensured him, but Eshne knew better. He could come in terms with it, but it would not pass. For he knew deep down, if it wasn't for Dorian, and also his friends, he would have agreed to Solas. He would want to help him. He had hated _humans_ all his life. Even if he did not always show, even if after joining the Inquisition he had learned that not all humans are the same, that was like he felt for a large part of his life. "And when it does, you'll think more clearly." He _already_ was. He knew how tempting Solas idea was. He _knew_. And he _hated_ himself for it. For wanting to join Solas. _Betraying_ Dorian, even if only in thought. "We'll find a way." He was. He was going to be a damn hypocrite if needed, but he would have Solas see reason. He would save him from himself. And if possible, he would save the elves as well. He hoped some divine force was truly looking after him, because he would need it.

**Author's Note:**

> So... I hope it's good. Sorry for my elvish. 
> 
> Ma melava halani: You helped me
> 
> Ir mala falon la ma harel lasa: I'm your friend and you lied to me
> 
> La sahlin: And now
> 
> Mir suledin nadas: I must endure (could also be "my suffering is inevitable")


End file.
